Square One....AGAIN!

So, it's been almost 2 weeks since I said that I was going to get up early everyday to have "God time" (bible study/prayer). Well, (as much as I hate to admit this) I haven't been able to get out of bed at 5:15 yet! How sad is that! Not ONE time! Of course it's been brought to my attention on multiple occassions this week through TV and church sermons. One speaker was even saying how that hour is the best part of their day! I am so disappointed. ugh!

Why is it that we can be so 'on fire' and commited until the time comes for us to make sacrafices. I mean, does that extra 30 minutes of sleep really make a big difference? HA! I bet it would make a bigger and more positive impact on my life if I would spend that time with God instead. How easily the knowledge flows now at 3:30 in the afternoon. I need to be reminded of this when I'm in my warm, cozy, bed at the crack of dawn! You know what the problem is? I am STILL fighting selfishness.....and it's winning!

 I'm not trying to sound so negative, I have been spending more time with Him and it has been so fulfilling! This morning thing has just been a bit harder than I thought it would be. I will not let myself get discouraged though! I know that I can do this......eventually :)

Love of God

David is one of my favorite people in the bible. When I have questions about sin I look to the gospels. When I have questions about the church I look to Paul's letters. When I have a desire to worship God more, David is who I look to. He had such a love for God and though I am aware of his faults, I believe they are a testimony of how even the "most righteous" can fall if they take their focus off of God. He is to be exalted in our lives. This may seem daunting to some, but when you experience His presence you find that everything else becomes trivial in comparison. The love of God is immeasurable:

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
  And were the skies of parchment made;
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
  And every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above
  Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
  Though stretched from sky to sky.

O love of God, how rich and pure!

How measureless and strong!

It shall for evermore endure

The saints' and angels' song.

Frederick M. Lehman; 1948

Good and Faithful Servant

His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. Matthew 25:21
   *Read in context here Matthew 25

Oh, to hear those words! To stand in front of our Lord and Savior and hear Him apply this term to you, good and faithful servant! Surely, there is no reward greater than this. What more can we offer our Lord than to serve him completely. To put Him above our wants and desires; hopes and dreams. To see that we gave all we had to The One who sacrificed all for us! Today at church, our preacher asked the question: If you were to stand before Him today would you hear these words applied to you? I have to admit, I don't believe I would.

Earlier this week I was studying the seven churches in the book of Revelation. I truly believe that if we are honest with ourselves, through God's help, we can place ourselves within one of these churches. It's easy for us to feel good about the things we do for God, harder to realize that it's not about what we do at all. The first church spoken about is commended on their works. They seem to really have a desire to do the will of God, but Jesus said that they had left their first love....Him. This reminds me of another verse:

 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity, Matthew 7:22-24.

We can do more than any other before us, but if Jesus isn't our first love those works are done in vain. You have to serve in the prayer closet before you can serve in public. Only then can He reveal to us His will and purpose for our lives. I would hate to learn that though I spent my time doing good things that I missed what He called me to do. This isn't exactly what I was hoping to write about when I sat down today. I was actually wanting to admit all the ways that I don't do enough for Him. I guess God decided to remind me, again, what is most important.

Making Time

I don't like routines. I have never been a very organized/structured type of person. I think I drive my husband nuts with my inability to remember the mundane items on our daily to do list. I have come to accept that my talents lie elsewhere. I am the creative one that has to make a mess of things to truly be productive...to the complete dismay of my orderly husband. However, I am starting to realize that I need to plan time to be with  God.

Before I started working at the school I would stay up an hour or so after everyone else went to bed and be with God. I really enjoyed being able to pray and worship without distractions. I'm still able to read the Bible with the kids around, but when I start to pray or worship there always seems to be an interruption.

I really have a heart for worship. I not only desire to worship, I need to worship! The bible tells us that He inhabits the praise of His people and I can testify to it! Nothing compares to the presence of God! How I long to be in the throne room of heaven, surrounded by multitudes of those redeemed, all singing perfected praises to the only One who is worthy! This is what we were created to do. Unfortunately, it seems now that the only place that I have to praise Him in privacy has been in the CAR. Though I'm sure it's quite a funny sight for the other drivers, I have to say it's not as fulfilling. So, I have decided the only thing to do is to develop a routine........sigh.

My husband and I have decided to get up everyday at 5am (gasp!). This will give us time to read and pray as well as time to fellowship with each other. Then, when I come home from work I can worship/pray for 30 minutes before getting the boys from school. Isn't it sad that we have to schedule in time for the Creator of time itself! Pray for me as I may struggle through this at first. I am NOT a morning person!

Arrogance

For the past year or so, I have really felt like God has wanted more from me. It's the same feeling you get when you've forgotten to do something important, like pack your kid's lunch for school. It's just an uneasiness in the pit of your stomach. So, in November I began asking God to use me and I really started desiring to devote my life to Him.

 One night in service the preacher suggested we ask God to reveal any sin still in us that would hinder us from being used. I prayed expectantly, but nothing was brought to my attention that night. A few nights later my oldest son was asking me questions about the Holy Spirit. After going over salvation (again, just to be sure!) I prayed that he would be filled with the Holy Spirit. During our prayer, I asked again that God would show us our sins (for Austin's sake, I thought).

During this time I had moved to a different school and wasn't feeling very welcomed by the staff. I had decided it was just because I had filled the position one of the girls wanted. Anyway, a few days after praying with Austin I was at work and  feeling again like they just hated me. I got really upset. I was upset about all of it; the dramatic decrease in pay, the feeling of starting over at the bottom, and most of all, thought of being a freakin lunch lady. I called my personal prayer warrior (I highly recommend having one of these!) and after speaking with her realized that most people DON"T like me. It seems like everywhere I go there's conflict.....I should have known where this was going. She suggested it might be something I'm doing (yeah, right) so I asked her to pray with me, that if it IS me (cause it's not) God would show me.

As soon as I went back into the building the word "arrogance" came to me. No, that's not it. My mind must have been wandering. Besides, I had always struggled with self esteem issues and I had this desire in me to help people. Arrogant people don't HELP people! But then I was told (I guess, cause it wasn't me) all the ways I had been arrogant. Hmm, lets see if I can remember......controlling, impatient, quick tempered, emotionally detached, overly opinionated, flaky, lethargic, and so on. Suddenly, it was all so clear! God is so good! I prayed against it that night and felt sooo released. I had been corrected, but instead of feeling hurt or angry I felt love and mercy! I was reminded of Paul in Romans 8:1, there is no condemnation in Christ! I urge you to read Romans chapters 7 & 8. They have always been favorites of mine, now even more so.

 We try to hold on to our personalities and serve God, but what we don't realize is that we are really holding on to our sinful natures. God didn't create me to be an angry, selfish, control freak! This is why we have to crucify the flesh/die to self. We can't serve Him and still be controlled by sin. All that is good in me comes from Him. I get it now, and I am so thankful that He showed me who I really was and why it was so wrong. I could go into more detail, but that about sums it up. If you ever feel like there's a blockage between you and God I totally recommend praying that same prayer. He has truly changed my heart. Oh, and in case you're wondering work has been great ever since.

Learning to Serve

I have been looking for ways to serve God with my kids. We do shoe boxes with Samaritan's Purse and we sponsor kids through Compassion International (which is great for getting pen pals!), but I want them to have a real desire to help others and to serve God. I gotta tell you, God just blessed me. While writing this, my oldest son brought me an assignment he did at school before the holidays. It's a Dear Santa letter and I have to post it:

I can't even think of anything to say to that! My point was going to be that unless we expose our kids to those in need they won't understand why compassion is so important. Maybe they are more aware than I thought. haha. Still, I would like to find an organization that they could help serve others.

We have recently been blessed to find a church that seems to have the same desire to serve and love people for God. I am so excited to grow and be a part of their out reach ministry! I have been wanting to go with them and sing at different nursing homes in our area.....BUT I seem to always chicken out at the last minute. I really WANT to, but I really don't know any of them and I kinda let that keep me from going. That sounds so bad! You know what that is.....it's that selfish nature again! I'm too worried about getting out of my comfort zone to go be a witness. Well, I've just got to get over it and dive in. OK, so Thursday night. I will go. No matter what!

Sunny Day Praises

I love sunny days. They warm my soul and fill my heart with praise for the One who created them. Even on the worst days seeing the bright blue sky makes me smile and tell God how great He is. I wonder how heaven could possibly be more beautiful. What a testimony creation holds for it's creator! To be formed from nothing yet to inspire the hearts of artists and poets by it's breathtaking beauty. That, is what God can do! With a word He designed the universe and with a breath His beloved humanity began. And for all He has given us, for all His efforts, the only thing He desires is our love and companionship. To be acknowledged by the crown of His creation. He is worthy of our praise!

Monday...

First day back to work after the holidays and though I was full of good intentions, AGAIN, it seems I didn't come through. I didn't sleep well last night which resorted in over-sleeping this morning and not having my prayer time. By lunch I had forgiven myself and when the conversation of fellow employees begin to be more personal than I could bare I simply went outside for "fresh air". I was feeling good about how the day was going over all, until (there seems to always be an 'until' doesn't there) I was assisting a substitute employee that doesn't generally work with us and she....gasp....belittled me. I hate that the devil seems to know my buttons so well. The one thing that gripes me more than anything else is disrespect. It's so rude!! Well, I let it slide the first few times, but eventually I let it get to me. I made a stupid, supposedly funny comment about how ridiculous she was to the manager....who by the way found my aggravation hilarious. It always feels so much better when you get things off your chest....for a second. Then I was just mad at myself for letting something so trivial cause me to stumble (AKA SIN). How can I be a true witness to others when I'm talking about them behind their back?! It may seem small and it was just between me and the manager, but character is still character. I could never say anything about the inappropriate conversations they have when I'm rolling around in the dirt too. That's just being a hypocrite! I don't like being hypocritical. I don't like my selfish nature, but this is a reminder that I need to keep seeking Him and quit letting my mouth rule over me. Hopefully tomorrow I will have better news to share.  Day one....FAIL.

Our First Love

I heard a message yesterday concerning witnessing to others about Jesus in everyday situations. One quote that I thought was revelatory had to do with how you live your life. He said, "You may be the only Bible someone ever comes in contact with". Wow.  Even though we live in America where there is a church on almost every street corner, I think he was right. Because of our (the church's) lack of true commitment, it seems we have come across as judgemental, arrogant, hypocrites to those that we supposedly are trying to reach! Sorry if that sounded harsh, but it's almost like the church holds a sinner to a higher standard than itself.

Do we really think that since we believe Jesus died for our sins that it gives us "immunity" and we can continue in our sins? That's just not biblical. I'm afraid that the Christianity that we see today in our nation is a shadow of what it should be. We are to humble ourselves, serve others, and exalt the name of Jesus in all that we do! We need to fall in love with Him again. We need to remember why we are so indebted to Him. It's not about what you can and can't do as a christian, but rather where you keep your heart. If you love Him then you won't want to be separated from His presence for even a moment. Sin IS separation.

Sin builds a wall in between you and The One who faced shame, torment, and death just to tear it down. His love is better than any romance novel ever written. His love restores and forgives! He will never leave you, though you can willingly walk away from Him at any time. It's our decision if we want to be faithful to The One who loves us more than we could ever fathom. He's like the faithful husband of a wretched prostitute that brings shame and dishonor to him....but still, he remains faithful and loving. Not only do we have this kind of commitment from Him, but when we understand all these things and ask He is quick to forgive. He then fills our hearts with this perfect love so we can share it with others. Surely if we lived this truth we would be a walking testament to others.